Working with families in a neutral (cyber) space

By Jeri Fink, D.S.W.

Jeri Fink is in private practice in Long Island, New York. She is the author of many books on psychology and technology, including most recently: How to Use Computers and Cyberspace in the Clinical Practice of Psychotherapy (Jason Aronson, Inc. 1999); Cyberseduction: Reality in the Age of Psychotechnology (Prometheus 1999); and the first novel about online psychotherapy, Virtual Terror (Huckleberry Press 2000). She can reached by email at jeri@jerifink.com or by clicking here.

The numbers speak for themselves. A recent National Science Foundation study found that teenagers and technology are inseparable: 99% of adolescents have used computers; 85% run stereo, CDs, or audio equipment daily; 54% have the job of programming the VCR in their homes (rather than mom or dad); and 46% play video games every day. How can the clinician use this techno-data to repair strained or severed communication between parents and teenagers?

There is enormous potential for using technology in family interventions. You don't have to be a computer wizard to utilize these tools. Consider this: one of the most common reasons families with adolescents enter treatment is the need to re-establish communication and learn how to work through constantly changing adolescent power struggles. We've all seen it - teenagers asserting themselves and their new "identities" while parents are trying to hold on to the control they wielded only a few short years ago. The kids are convinced their parents don't listen or understand - the parents are convinced that their kids have destructive "attitudes". Computers can provide a safe, neutral environment to break through these assumptions and work toward new parent/child behaviors.

How? Let's go back to those numbers. The teenagers know their technology - they have the skills, natural multi-tasking abilities and familiarity with computers that usually far surpass their parents. They are techno-savvy, playing, working, researching, communicating, and even creating in cyberspace. Teenage chat rooms replace telephone calls - and television is being turned off in deference to the computer. In contrast, while most parents use or come in contact with computers through work or business, they don't have the time, ability, or interest to cruise along virtual avenues with the same ease as the real ones outside their homes. Simply put, the kids were born with computers - it's an extension of who they are. Most of today's parents had to learn the ropes.

A clinician can break through family resistance by sitting parents and teens in front of a neutral computer where the child "takes control", showing her/his ability to manipulate the digital world. Most parents react naturally and spontaneously with a mixture of awe and respect for their child's ability. The teenagers demonstrate skill, knowledge, and responsibility while the parents validate them. The message can be clarified by the clinician: kids can teach mom and dad new tricks - and parents, through validating these accomplishments, can make that attitude lighten up. That kind of healthy, positive exchange illustrates how change can occur when both parents and teenagers reframe their communication. And if they can do it in front of the computer, why not when other family issues arise?

In this approach, the computer serves as a means to model new behaviors without raising the conflicts that so quickly polarize family members. It encourages parents and teens to respect themselves and one another, demonstrating how validating, rather than attacking the other can lead to constructive, positive communication. If the parents or teens do not know how to respond, the clinician can easily step in and act as a role model, demonstrating what works. As parents and teenagers begin to understand what is needed to maintain healthy, positive communication, the clinician can work toward generalizing the behavior when dealing with more serious family conflicts.