Finding Love Online:

Presentation at a book signing for Cyberseduction: Reality in the Age of Psychotechnology

Thank you for joining me tonight.

I'm going to be talking about finding love online. It's a subject that applies to all of us - from teenagers to seniors, singles to married. But first I'd like to begin with a few true stories from my book.

tjs8160, was a young woman living in Brush Prairie, Washington. One day she was off from work and decided to play online. She went into a chat room and started talking to kjhjunior, who lived in Garden Prairie, Illinois. They hit it off. They began to email each other every day. Within a few weeks both decided that there were some very serious feelings. Love was mentioned. About four months later, kjhjunior, under the watchful eyes of tjs8160's parents, flew the two thousand miles to Brush Prairie to confirm what they felt online - that the two of them belonged together. After a lot of planning, he moved out to Washington. Two years later they were married. Today, they own their own house and are planning to start a family. You might say they lived happily ever after.

Now lets look at Margaret and Thorne. They also met on the internet. They were older than tjs8160 and kjhjunior. They met and chatted online often. Eventually, Thorne told Margaret the truth - he was a jetset businessman dying from aids. Margaret was touched by his honesty. She was also convinced that she had finally met the love of her life. Eventually, the couple met face-to-face. The emotions grew stronger and they decided to get married. Of course, it was accepted that because of Thorne's Aids, there could never be any sexual intimacy.

Well, everything went along really well until about four months into the marriage. Margaret noticed that Thorne wasn't getting any sicker - and he wasn't getting any medical bills. She got suspicious. So she dug up her husband's birth certificate. It turns out that Thorne had been wrapping tight bandages around his chest because of a rib injury. In reality, Thorne was Holly and very much female. Margaret sued and was awarded $264,000 in damages.

What do the four of them have in common?

They're all part of a new wave of relationships that start on the internet. If you think they're rare - think again. One study found that over two-thirds of their subjects formed significant personal relationships with people they met online. Another study found that the internet is the second most common place to meet people and have affairs. (the first most common place is at work).

If you think about it, most of you know someone who has found some kind of love online - whether friends, dates, lovers, or a spouse. And if you check out some of the love spots online, you'll find romantic chats for teenagers, dating services for young adults, meet boards for middle aged, and matchmaking services for sixty-five and over. Everyone is looking. For better or for worse.

How do all these people find each other on the internet? The choices are endless. And they're changing every day. Take a look. There are the basics - chats, message boards, newsgroups, email lists . . . Just about any web forum you can think of. Then there are the specialty sites: places like American Singles, jdate, and Sassy Seniors. There are personal ads, dating directories, social portals - i could spend all night just listing these romance spots. There's even a site you can go to if you want to check out that date to make sure he or she is the real thing - a tool that Margaret could have used before she got married.

Finding people online is easy. But it can be both good or bad. On the good side, the internet is a powerful tool to meet people with similar interests and personalities. You're not restricted to the local club or singles function. There's always fish in the sea. And there's something magical about "meeting" someone through their ideas and thoughts - in words on a screen. He or she can be the greatest fantasy of your life - and nothing will prove it otherwise. Much research has found that the internet increases and improves social activity. Think about all those people you "speak" with on email. Would you have the same contact if you depended solely on telephones or snail mail (us post office).

There are also all kinds of cyber relationships going on - friendships, platonic affairs, cybersexual affairs, dating, courtship, extramarital affairs. Some people say that their cyber love experiences keep them in line off line - they get all the not-so-good stuff out in a space where you can find the safest sex on the globe.

Of course, there's the other side of it. First, that extramarital cyberaffair can - and has - led to divorce. The chances are that there were serious problems in the marriage before a spouse turns on the computer - but it can be the last straw. And the lure of living out a fantasy via secret meetings with sexy strangers might be tough to resist if you're married for ten years to the same person with two kids in the upstairs bedrooms.

Another thing to thing about is that the great fantasy online can simply be your own projection. You want someone to look or feel or think a certain way. And it's easier to interpret words to fit what you want - ignoring or overlooking what they really are. In other words, you project yourself, your needs, wishes, anxieties, pleasures, fears onto the other person. A good imagination or a rich fantasy life makes that really easy.

In real life it's a lot harder to make someone into something they can't be. But that's far from the worst of it. You know the classic joke about cyberspace. There's a picture of a dog sitting in front of a computer, saying:

On the internet no one knows you're a dog

Also, people don't tell it like it is. For example, an MSNBC study found that 60% of people online lie about their age, 40% lie about their race, and, like Thorne, 5% lie about their gender. That's not encouraging for honest relationships.

Then there are the serious dangers - the ones we read about in the newspapers almost every day. The sexual predators, the cybercriminals, the pedophiles - the dark side of the internet that can be very hard to see when all you have is a computer on your desk. There aren't that many of them compared to the rest of the net world - but all you need is one in your email.

With all that, the fact remains that finding love online is thriving. And if you look closely, you'll see that most of these relationships follow some very basic patterns. Researchers have been studying these patterns for several years. It generally looks like this:

People meet online in a public forum, such as a chat, e-mail list, discussion group, etc.

A natural, filtering type behavior takes place. This is done through cyberflirting that determines whether one in interested in making a connection. You might call this a virtual courting.

If all works out, then the couple agrees to get more serious by going into a private chat or an email exchange. Keep in mind this can happen very quickly, ranging from a few minutes to a few months. At this point, many couples may choose to exchange photos online.

If the intensity of the relationship continues to grow, most couples agree to move to the telephone.

A cyber relationship culminates in f2f - face-to-face meeting which puts it at risk for disappointment, danger, or continuation into more conventional patterns.

Now men go about this somewhat differently than women. Generally speaking, men are more attracted to cybersex than women. They tend to enjoy games and experiences that draw on dominance and power. In fact, there are five times as many men as women on cybersex sites.

This is in contrast to women, who are more likely to seek support, comfort, and acceptance. They prefer romantic chats to visual or pornographic material.

Of couse, all of this makes sense. It's really not much different off the internet. In fact, if you took a look at people in chats, message boards, email lists or any web forum, the chance are likely you can tell their gender by the way they communicate - you don't even need a name. For example, if a man disagrees with something he's far more likely to be direct or confrontive, dominate discussions, be authoritative, and take control. Women are more likely to be more tactful, show appreciation, encourage community building, and offer ideas in the form of suggestions rather than statements. For example, I'm going to read two posting made in a newsgroup objecting to a member's commentary. Can you guess which was written by a man and which written by a woman?

"I had it with all the crap here - you just don't know what you're talking about. Shut up and try thinking for a change. Give us all a break."

"I'm sorry to be so blunt, but maybe you should reconsider your stand on the subject. I'm sure you're a thinking, caring person, and making such statements can be very harmful"

All of this brings us to some very serious issues. Cyber relationships can be great, can be bad, and can be dangerous. You - and the person at the other end of the computer - can be anything you choose. You can lie, cheat, fantasize. You can be twenty or seventy, male or female, a laborer or a millionaire. No one is making the call. No one can make the call. Technology is constantly changing the rules. In the near future we'll have broadcast-quality video, voice, multimedia experiences. For example, you might want to meet your cyberlover in the bottom of the ocean or on a moon overlooking the planet Jupiter. Our technology might progress to the point where senses such as touch and smell will be incorporated into the cyberspace experience. And our minds might climb into sixth, seven, and eight dimensions - places we can't even imagine today.

But some things won't change. We'll still savor the touch of a lover - holding hands, an affectionate kiss. There's nothing like a hug when you're down, or sharing a candlelit dinner. As good as cyber relationships get - the bottom line is clear. Most people who fall in online are not happy until they meet the other, face-to-face. After all - would you be sharing that special dinner with a screen, or kissing a computer good night?

Thanks again for coming tonight.