Can You Find Love Online?

By Dr. Jeri Fink

It's the question of the millennium. Can you really find love online? Let's take a look at two true stories.

Trudi wrote about her experiences in my book, Cyberseduction. She was living in Brush Prairie, Washington. One day when she was off from work, Trudi decided to wander online. She went into a chat room and started talking to Ken, who lived in Garden Prairie, Illinois. The two of them hit it off. They began to e-mail every day and within a few weeks they expressed strong feelings for one another. Four months later Ken flew two thousand miles to meet Trudi face-to-face. It was love at first sight. Both agreed that they belonged together. After much planning, Ken relocated to Washington. They moved in together and two years later they were married.

Now for Margaret and Thorne. They also met online, chatting and e-mailing with one another. Then Thorne told Margaret the "truth" - he was a jet set businessman dying from AIDS. Margaret was touched by his honesty. She was also convinced that she'd met the love of her life. The couple decided to meet face-to-face. It was also love at first sight and they decided to get married. They knew that there would never be any sexual intimacy because of Thorne's AIDS. After a few months Margaret noticed that Thorne wasn't getting sicker - and wasn't receiving medical bills. She became suspicious and searched for her husband's birth certificate. Thorne had told her that he was wrapping tight bandages around his chest because of a rib injury. In reality, Thorne was "Holly" and very much female. Margaret sued Thorne/Holly in court and was awarded over two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

Both couples are part of a new generation of people looking for love online. And finding it - for better and worse. One study found that over two-thirds of respondents formed significant personal relationships with people they met online. Another study found that the internet is the second most common place to meet people (the first is work). If you think about it, most of us know someone who has found some kind of love online - whether friends, dates, lover, or a spouse.

Is it really love?

The internet is a powerful tool to meet people with similar interests and personalities. You're not restricted to local clubs or the people you see everyday. And there's something magical about getting to know someone on the inside - through e-mail and chat - before you see the outside. However, is the person on the other end of the keyboard more about you? Are you projecting your fantasies - is he/she a mirror of what you want? Do you interpret the words on a screen to fit what you want or need - ignoring or overlooking what they're really saying?

In real life it's a lot harder to make someone into something they can't be. Remember the classic internet cartoon of dog sitting in front of a computer saying, "On the internet no one knows you're a dog."
A lot of people don't really tell it like it is. An MSNBC study found that as many as 60% of people online lie about their age, 40% lie about their race, and like Thorne, 5% lie about their gender. That's not encouraging for honest communication.

The best approach if you're meeting people online is caution. Maybe you're Trudi and Ken - and maybe you're not. Don't take chances. If you want to go beyond the keyboard, make sure you meet in public places. Give yourself time to check out him/her - move slowly and with the same discretion you would use in an off-line relationship. If it's the real thing, a little extra time won't make any difference.